Ersatz News Service
AP
Uday Hussein, falsely reported to be dead at the hands of Polish soldiers in Tikrit, Iraq (DourSlavic regiment of the Coalition of the Willing) took Veep on hunting trip deep in the heart of Texas.
Cheney, who is said to have long admired Uday and Cusay's penchant for hunting humans as a form of keeping insurgents down, took Uday along on a hunting trip with his old time pal, a prominent Texas lawyer opposed to torture and the privatization of Social Security.
While the old friend was retrieving dead squirrels to make the Veep feel like he was "killin' somethin'" he let slip an unsensored comment about SS: "Dick, fer Chrissakes, leave SS alone. It's makin' you look like an asshole", his own Social Security plan having been diverted to Iraq for the war effort.
Uday whispered something in Cheney's ear after the shock of the uncensored comment hit home, and Cheney, locked and loaded, took fire.
With his characteristsic snarl Cheney let off a blast from an AK47, yelling "Go Fuck Yourself".
Irate that the censors, always at Cheney's side had allegedly missed the comment, had to be calmed down by Uday.
"Please, Mister. You must do these things like my father, god rest his soul. You must pray to Allah and he will take all guilt, anger and humanity of any sort from your soul. All good leaders must do this, God willing".
Hunting humans in Texas has long been a controversial issue; with rep. John Conyers calling for an investigation from a sewer pipe in Poland, where his office has been moved by the Veep after a caustic comment about Cheney's tie escaped the censors in another dustup between invertebrate Dems and the White House.
While the average American is said to have no access to health care, the Veep travels with his own mobile Emergency Room, replete with defribillators and heart shunts for emnergency bypass retrofits for the VP, who is said to have had his own heart removed after chest pain 10 years ago.
Cheney's new heart was graciously donated by Pol Pot of Cambodia after the illegal bombing of his country which White House officials say never happened. Anyhow, it was perfectly legal if it did, Bush is purported to have said at the time.
posted by Nutmeg at 8:19 AM
2 Comments:
Poor Cheney. For a minute there he must have felt like he was back in Nam.
Cheney Says Shooting Was Based On Faulty Intelligence.
Reply to: pers-133486216@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-02-13, 6:49AM
CHENEY SAYS SHOOTING OF FELLOW HUNTER WAS BASED ON FAULTY INTELLIGENCE!
"Believed Shooting Victim Was Zawahiri", Veep Says
Vice President Dick Cheney revealed today that he shot a fellow hunter while on a quail hunting trip over the weekend because he believed the man was the fugitive terror mastermind Ayman al-Zawahiri.
Mr. Cheney acknowledged that the man he sprayed with pellets on Saturday was not al-Zawahiri but rather Harry Whittington, a 78-year-old millionaire lawyer from Austin, blaming the mix-up on “faulty intelligence.”
“I believed I had credible intelligence that al-Zawahiri had infiltrated my hunting party in disguise with the intent of spraying me with pellets,” Mr. Cheney told reporters. “Only after I shot Harry in the face and he shouted ‘Cheney, you bastard’ did I realize that this intelligence was faulty.”
Moments after Mr. Cheney’s assault on Mr. Whittington, Mr. al-Zawahiri appeared in a new videotape broadcast on al-Jazeera to announce that he was uninjured in the vice president’s attack because, in his words, “I was in Pakistan.”
An aide to the vice president said he believed that the American people would believe Mr. Cheney’s version of events, but added, “If he was going to shoot any of his cronies right now it’s a shame it wasn’t Jack Abramoff.”
At the White House, President George W. Bush defended his vice president’s shooting of a fellow hunter, saying that the attack sent “a strong message to terrorists everywhere.”
“The message is, if Dick Cheney is willing to shoot an innocent American citizen at point-blank range, imagine what he’ll do to you,” Mr. Bush said.
Elsewhere, aviator Steve Fossett completed his three-day journey around the globe, setting a world record for wasting both time and money.
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